Some of you have asked me how I am doing with all of this infertility stuff. I usually answer "fine" Most of the time that is a correct answer but if you catch me on certain days, like when I am full of drugs or just started a new cycle then that answer is a lie. I will usually still say "fine" because it is easier (for you and for me) and it is too hard to explain what I am actually feeling. Well today I am going to try to explain it in a way that you can relate to.
First ask yourself this question, What is the job you want most right now and have wanted for a long time. Your dream job? Imagine you can have this job, you do not need special training or a degree, you just have to apply and wait to be accepted. You know it is a life changing job and you will have to dedicate your life to it, so you wait for the right time. You travel, you try out other jobs, you get married, etc. You finally decide you are ready but there's a catch. You can only apply once a month and then you have to wait 4 weeks for the reply.
The very first month you are dying with excitement! You start looking at the uniform you will get to wear and all the new stuff that comes with it. You tell some family that you have applied for the job and they get excited for you! Everyone is excited, this is great news!!!! At the end of the four weeks, you get the news that you did not get the job, but don't worry!!! There are plenty of them out there and you can apply as many times as you like.
So you apply the next day and start the wait again. Why not? Alot of people apply 2 or 3 times. You even know someone that waited a whole year!! That won't be you, you tell yourself because you waited for the right time so they have to pick you next. Again you look at the uniform and extra stuff. You don't plan a vacation for 6 months from now because you will be too busy getting ready for your new job. You start putting your life on hold because you KNOW that this new job will take up all your time and energy and you want to be ready. 4 weeks later you get another rejection.
After about 4 months of this you try something new. You start researching on the internet things you can do to get the job. Things you can do to try to figure out why you keep getting rejected. But what can be wrong? You're young, healthy and relaxed. Why can't you get this job? Besides, everyone keeps telling you not to worry, you are guaranteed the job. Just relax and you will get it when you least expect it. Meanwhile you start to think about it a bit more... and you start to worry.
OK, now it's been 8 months and you get your 8th rejection notice. This is really starting to hurt. So you decide to see a professional to make sure you aren't doing anything wrong. Maybe filling out the application incorrectly? So the professional sends you for some tests. They are a bit more invasive that you expected and actually hurt quite a bit but that is ok because you are willing to do anything to get this job. The day the results are supposed to come in you sit by the phone and wait. and you wait and you wait.... and you wait some more. Have you ever sat by a phone waiting to find out if your life is going to change? You finally get the call, the results are in.
You are too old. You keep getting turned down because your body is just too old. What? How can that be? You are only 34 and lots of people at 38 get accepted. That can't be right? But the specialist assures you that some peoples bodies just get older faster. It's not your fault but there is no way to fix it. There is a way to trick the application though. The specialist tells you about drugs you can take that make your body seem younger on the application. It just might work! OK, you are ready to try again. After all, this is your dream job!
So for the 10th try, you add drugs to the mix. You actually get them injected with a needle very similar to a diabetic but that's ok!!! You start to get moody and depressed, but that's ok! You start to yell at your spouse and mope in front of the tv, but that's ok!! You start to do a little less at work and care a little less about everything, but that's ok!! It will all be worth it when you finally get your dream job! The weeks tick by... slowly.... towards the end, you keep picking up the phone to make sure it works.... when will they call with your acceptance? Ugh, the waiting...the 24 hours a day waiting.....the day after day waiting..... finally you get the call. After all the drugs and the moodiness and the depression.... denied. Again.
You call the specialist, what happened, where's the magic you promised me? "Oh, it's no big deal, we didn't give you the right amount of drugs, but that's ok because the first try is the test try. Now we know what you need and this time it will be better." OK, you try again, the drugs, the moodiness, the yelling at your spouse. You realize you are getting tired, realllllllly tired. The weeks tick by again..... DENIED, again.
The specialist tells you they don't now what happened. Your body seemed young to them, don't know why you got turned down again. Oh well, let's try again. So you say ok, but then more bad news. Your body doesn't like all this trickery, it's fighting back. It needs a month off and will not react to the drugs. So you wait as time slowwwwly ticks by. Wasting a whole month! Your family and friends tell you, don't worry, you're trying too hard. You need to stop thinking about it! You'll get the job, just stop trying. But don't they realize, that if your body was already too old to get you the job on it's own, how is stopping trying going to help? You just keep getting older every month and your body keeps getting older too. So you start to ignore what they say. You start to close yourself off from some of those people, the ones that don't understand. You'll let them back in when you get the job. Everything will be perfect again once you get the job. If you could just get the damn job already!
OK, you are ready to try again. 3rd time is the charm right. So you do the drugs, again. Shots day after day..... and you wait. and you wait... and you wait.. every now and then you have hope. You see lots of people around you with the job you want so badly. It's so close you can taste it. But now you are starting to doubt getting the job, maybe you are just too old and the drugs won't work. Again you are waiting by the phone, the only thing you think of 24 hours a day is that phone call. How can you think of anything else? This is your dream job that you have wanted your entire life! Everyone told you it would be so easy to get it! All you had to do was apply! So what is soo wrong with you? Then you get the call. Denied yet again. For the 14th time. At this point you have waited for 14 months, that's 14 denial letter, 14 hopes crushed.
Where do you go from here? Do you give up your dreams of getting this job? Do you keep putting drugs into your body hoping that as nature makes it older, the drugs will trick the system? There is another way.... you truly start thinking of it. You could just flat out pay someone for the job. You could find someone who got the job but doesn't want it and pay them $20,000 to give you their position. Is it worth it? Yes, it is worth it. Are you ready to give up on earning the job by your own merits? You know that once you have the job it won't matter how you got it but you also know that you will always know that you failed a little bit in not getting it yourself. You will always wonder if you just waited a little longer, tried a little harder, relaxed a little more, took more drugs.... Paying for the job is a little like cheating AND you have to hope someone out there is having a rough enough time to give up their position.
Ugh, what do you do? At this point you don't know. All you know is that you HAVE TO HAVE THAT job. And you will have that job but it might take more time. So you wait... and you wait.... and you wait... and you continue to tell the people that love you that you are fine and most of the time that is still true.
